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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27538213">just think happy thoughts and we'll fly home</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequacksonwrites/pseuds/thequacksonwrites'>thequacksonwrites</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood &amp; Manga</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Edward Elric Needs a Hug, Edward Elric Swears, Parental Maes Hughes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:29:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,951</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27538213</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequacksonwrites/pseuds/thequacksonwrites</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>in which edward argues with mustang, has an existential crisis and is then comforted by hughes </p><p>or an excuse for me to write hughes as the elrics' father figure</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Edward Elric &amp; Maes Hughes, Edward Elric &amp; Roy Mustang</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>103</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>just think happy thoughts and we'll fly home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>T/W: none except subtle suicidal thoughts and self-hatred</p><p>title is from 'headfirst for halos' by my chemical romance :D</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Fullmetal, for a prodigy, you really are quite dim," Mustang had growled. "You're my subordinate-"</em>
</p><p>
  <em> "I'm a dog of the military, you mean," Ed grinned humourlessly from the couch before letting his face twist into a ferocious scowl that rivaled his superior's. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "You're my subordinate, and that means that whatever ruckus you cause, I have to deal with the consequences." </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "Oh, boo hoo," Ed deadpanned and propped his chin onto his cupped hands, which rested comfortably on his knees. "What, am I disturbing your plans to become Fuhrer, Colonel Bastard?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ed was accustomed to fights, both physical and verbal. He knew how to deliver words in an embracing tone, while the meaning of the words itself digs a knife into the victim. He knew how to disguise his words as a temptingly delicious cup of coffee, whose meaning scalded the other's throat with the bitter taste of arsenic. He was cocky enough, bold enough to dish out insults like no one's business, knowing his fearsome reputation already warded off most. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> To see Mustang flich ever so slightly because of him caused a taunting smirk to grace his lips. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Because with Mustang, a battle of words wasn't just a battle of words, oh no; it was a battle of the minds as well, the reckless, seemingly invincible genius pitting against a charismatic, manipulative, experienced soldier. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "Your lack of maturity rivals your lack of height-" </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "Who are you calling shorter than a five year o-" </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "No one," Mustang interrupted smoothly. "But we digress. Do me a favour, Fullmetal, and not be so reckless in future missions. It lands up as more paper work on my desk, and Lieutenant Hawkeye is already displeased with me." </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "As if I would do you any favours," Ed rolled his eyes, leaping to his feet and brushing off imaginary dust from his iconic red coat. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Mustang watched him, bored. "You're not dismissed, Fullmetal." </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ed paid him no attention, stalking towards the door, about to grasp the doorknob when- </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "Do you really think that you would be doing Alphonse any good by rushing headfirst into battle?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ed froze. Tense. A coiled spring longing to be released. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Mustang continued on, in that polite pleasant voice used only by politicians, that Ed detested, that Ed knew Mustang had perfected into a weapon deadlier than his alchemy. "Your reason to join the military was part of your effort to return to your bodies, correct? It seems like a waste of effort if you were to die in a street fight." </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ed breathed in. And out. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Then he whirled around to face the colonel, a composed smile on his face that mirrored Mustang's, while his eyes blazed with muted fury, his limbs forced to be still and not give away the seething anger that sent his body shaking. He relished the fleeting surprise that crossed the colonel's face; he was using Mustang's own weapon against him, using the deadly muted fury against him, who must have met dozens of politicians doing the same. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "Don't you dare use Al against me, you bastard," Ed smiled convincingly, as if he were making some off-hand remark to a compliment and not planning the best way to torture the person in front of him. "You have no idea what we've been through, so don't even try." </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And he wrenched the door open, slammed it shut behind him, and ignored the cries of "Brother?", "Edward!", "Hey, Chief, wait!" that rang out behind him as he ran. </em>
</p><p>Ed slammed his book shut. Loudly, which drew the librarian's annoyed stare to him. He didn't mind; he stopped thinking about that moment.</p><p>Maybe he hadn't blown up at Mustang for once, sure, big victory, yay, but he was feeling that surge of fury now because <em>how dare</em> that smug bastard used Al as an excuse to keep him alive, when really, he was better off dead to everyone-</p><p>Ed grabbed a random book from the pile beside him and flipped to a chapter, pretending to be absorbed in the text as he twirled his pen anxiously. Thoughts built up behind his forehead and above his throat, and Ed felt mildly feverish as his brain spewed out commentary he didn't want to hear.</p><p>How ironic, that the "invincible" Fullmetal Alchemist was a victim to his own mind.</p><p>The pen twirled faster.</p><p>He's listening to his thoughts with a grumpy reluctance, listing everything methodically, in the scientific way that Ed had grown accustomed to all those years ago, back in Resembool.</p><p>Resembool. His home. That's where it all started, didn't it? When Hohenheim left (Why? Why was Ed not good enough for him to stay, why was Al or Mom not a good enough reason to stop him from deserting his family? You don't leave the family you're meant to love and protect, right?), and they relentlessly decoded the notes he had left behind, practically living in the library full of musty books and yellowed paper, but it really started when Mom died, and then Teacher came, and they tried human transmutation (and there was blood, so much blood, and Al, Al, Al, where was he, where had he gone, and blurry memories of a rune hastily drawn with the blood and give him back, give him <em>back</em>, givehimbackhe'smybrother-) and then Mustang came and the automail was fitted to him (he had refused to scream, nonono, Al had it worse, he couldn't feel or sleep and he was stuck in that hell of a metal coffin and it's his fault, his, his, <em>his</em>-).</p><p>And somehow or the other, he ended up as a dog of the military, to fix the mistake he made. For Al. Because it was his fault, after all; how did Al still.... how did Al not hate him? For trapping him in that stupid armor, for taking away his chance at normalcy? Because wherever Al went, he attracted stares, which made the younger Elric uncomfortable. There's a reason why Ed was unashamedly loud and snarky and wore his brilliantly iconic red coat that paired beautiful with his braid and his black outfit (other than, of course, the fact that his fashion sense was <em>amazing</em>, thank you very much, and <em>no</em>, he will not be taking complaints); it was to protect Al. Because, hell, aren't older siblings meant to do that? And after Hohenheim abandoned them all (whywhywhy-?) and Mom succumbed to her illness, Ed vowed to protect Al because, hell, his little brother deserves the <em>world</em>.</p><p>And honestly, Ed would <em>die</em> for him- and probably would too, given his profession, and he, Ed, obviously <em>deserved</em> to die. To let it all end and just forget the monsters that ate away at his mind. If he was lucky, or, well, achieved even more dumb luck, he could meet Truth, that smiling asshole and bargain with him for the last time to ensure Al could get his body back.</p><p>Because Al is miserable in that, he knows; it's funny, how they were so close, and yet Al can barely remember what Ed's hugs felt like. The warmth of the sheets. The cooling wind, the harsh sun, the biting cold. Because Ed in his stupidity had stolen those from him.</p><p>What's worse is that he couldn't sleep, and Ed had nightmares. Quite frequently too, although he never admitted it. And he knows in the middle of the night, Al sits up, and watches his older brother thrash and struggle with the sheets as hoarse pleas escape his mouth, and Al can only watch his brother fight with his inner demons because waking him up meant humiliation for Ed, it meant weakness, and Ed couldn't afford to be weak.</p><p>But the nights where insomnia hits Ed are worse; he can't scream or break something or stay up to research feverishly lest he upset or worry Al, and it <em>hurts</em> because he wants to do <em>something</em> but he forces himself to feign sleep, to ignore the emotions, to block out everything.</p><p>And sometimes he <em>hates</em> Al for being a suit of armor that can't sleep, which he hates himself even more for, because it's selfish and it's his fault anyway.</p><p>It's always his fault.</p><p>Him, the alchemist, whose hands can build and fix things as much as they destroy and ruin.</p><p>"Yo! Ed!"</p><p>The pen snapped and Ed was halfway into his battle stance when he saw Hughes. He breathed out, shakily, his nerves shot.</p><p>Hughes obviously noticed, but he let it slide. "I thought I might find you here."</p><p>Ed sat back down, slightly wary, feeling like he had when he had first met the doting father. On face value, he was goofy, lovable and quirky, and Ed immediately sensed the man's intelligence (he later found out Hughes was in Investigations, it made sense) and he was trusting and as friendly as Al, or even more so than him, which said a lot. So Ed had almost written him off when Hughes had turned around and Ed saw the crease in his uniform near the belt. A knife of sorts, because it was too flat and too small to be anything exotic. By the time they had exited the train station, Ed had counted 5 such hidden knives, and felt some subdued terror, a wariness of a prey acknowledging the presence of a predator.</p><p>That same feeling bubbled up now because Hughes was from Investigations and would no doubt be able to track him, but that means Mustang told him and that meant Al was worried.</p><p>He sighed inwardly.</p><p>"Hello, Lieutenant Colonel."</p><p>"Now, none of that, Ed," Hughes smiled jovially, walking forward to place a hand on the minor's shoulder, who didn't miss the observant eyes. "You can called me Hughes, I've told you that."</p><p>Ed shrugged off the hand. "... Yeah."</p><p>Hughes peered at his notebook. "Doing more research? Where's Al?"</p><p>Ed flinched.</p><p>"You should know. Colonel Bastard tipped you off, didn't he?" he responded brusquely.</p><p>Hughes straighened and gave a wry smile. "Guilty. You're smart as a whip, Ed-"</p><p>"Obviously not smart enough to not fuck up," Ed snapped before he forced his mouth shut, horrified at his slip up.</p><p>Oh Truth, he really was pathetic.</p><p>He stared, wide-eyed at his notebook, full of random scribbles and messy notes. His vision swam before him and it wasn't until he heard, rather than saw, the tear hitting its precious paper that Ed realised he was crying.</p><p>"Oh, Ed," he heard a soothing murmur, as Hughes hugged him. "It's okay, kiddo, let it out."</p><p>As if that was the trigger, Ed buried his face in the officer's chest and sobbed his heart out, a cathartic activity that washed away the thoughts and the weariness and <em>fear</em> so much fear-</p><p>Ed doesn't know how long it was until he let go of Hughes. "'M sorry."</p><p>"What for?"</p><p>"Your uniform. It's ruined."</p><p>"Nah," Hughes waved an airy hand. "Elicia has done much worse; at least after a wash, it'll be as good as new."</p><p>Ed cracked a tired smile.</p><p>Hughes knelt down to look at him, brushing a stray golden lock. "Hey. How about this. I need to change anyway, so you can follow me home and have a nice little lunch with Elicia and Garcia. Afterwards, if you don't feel like going back, you can stay at my place and I can ring Roy up and tell him that you gave me a call that you needed some space for today, and Roy will tell Al and all worries will be dealt with temporarily. Deal?"</p><p>Ed looked at him, smiling gratefully. "Deal."</p><p>And with that one word, Ed also said the two words that he was too prideful to say aloud in public.</p><p>
  <em> Thank you. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hope y'all enjoyed this :D leave a kudos/comment if you liked it!! my tumblr is @silverquackson</p></blockquote></div></div>
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